Obama fans like Obama, so Obama fans justify anything he does. Sure, he has voted for the Iraq War six times. He has NEVER voted against it. Yet they believe him when he says he's against it. And so on.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
THIS WEEK'S SYNDICATED COLUMN: BELIEF YOU CAN CHANGE
The Triumph of Faith-Based Politics
I believe in John McCain. Which is why I don't believe him.
When John McCain said he wanted to stay in Iraq 100 years, he didn't mean it. He just said it to get elected.
His claims that the war is going great? Voting time after time to send hundreds of billions of dollars to fund the war without asking for a timetable for withdrawal? All part of his masterful plan to fool right-wing hicks into voting for him.
Once he gets the keys to 1600 Penn, the real, antiwar McCain will reveal his true plan: Evacuation from Iraq within 24 hours. An apology to the United Nations. Bush put on trial for war crimes. Mandatory gay marriage.
He's got a similar plan for FISA. True, he voted to allow the president to eavesdrop on Americans' phone calls and e-mails. He gave the phone companies immunity for the years that they spied on us illegally. As soon as he becomes president, however, McCain will line up all those lying, spying phone company CEOs against the White House wall and personally shoot them with his trusty sidearm, the Beretta PX4.
And he will laugh.
John McCain cares deeply about the same exact things I do. When he takes the Oath of Office on January 20, for example, a certain political cartoonist--not Chief Justice Roberts--will administer it. Government subsidies will allow Americans to travel to Tashkent and other capitals in Central Asia for just $50. And the electronica band Ladytron will play the Inaugural Ball!
Wait a minute, I can hear you saying. John McCain hasn't said any of this stuff. Know what? You're right! In fact, he's mostly said the exact opposite. Which is exactly why I know he'll do it.
Politicians, you see, are liars. Except when they mostly do, they never follow through on their campaign promises. The more they say they're for using federal tax dollars to fund faith-based church groups, for example, the more you know they're actually dogmatic, God-hating secular atheists. Which is, by the way, another reason I believe in John McCain. Because John McCain promises a new kind of politics, one where Americans aren't separated red state from blue state, cat owner from dog walker. One where soaring rhetoric isn't just something we read about in books, but watch on TV from time to time.
Some of John's fans (he feels so near and dear to me, I'm entitled to first-name familiarity) wonder if the old maverick they fell in love with is losing his moral center by lurching to the right. But nothing could be further from the truth.
Straight talk? Not until he wins! After that, look out. We'll be out of NAFTA faster than you can say maquiladora. Socialized healthcare? You bet. Tax hikes for the rich, free Netflix for the poor, billions to rebuild New Orleans, free kitten and puppy neutering too!
Do I know this stuff? Or am I just making it up--indulging in a sort of faith-based politics?
Yes, and yes. I know what I make up in my own mind, and what I know is that John McCain is a patriot, a man whose unshakeable iron will remained unbroken even after his North Vietnamese captors tortured him into signing a confession for war crimes. I know that John McCain loves America, and that therefore anything he says or does that indicates otherwise--including, say, signing off on Bush's continued use of torture at Guantánamo--can be nothing more than a necessary attempt to appease the right long enough for him to win the presidency, after which he will no doubt reveal himself to be the liberal, idealistic demigod he has to be because I and others like me have willed him to be so. Regardless of what he says.
Some poutymouths say I'm deluded. That I've once again fooled myself into believing a politician was something other than what he appeared to be, or indeed said he was, all along.
A little while ago, Barack Obama campaigned as a moderate and a moderate and a moderate. Then he came out as a centrist. Such betrayal!
In 2000, there was George W. Bush. People said he was stubborn and merciless, that he made fun of condemned prisoners as he signed their death warrants as governor of Texas. But I thought he did that just to win the votes of the Republican base. Deep down beneath that mean, dumb exterior, I just knew there had to be the soul of a scholar and the wisdom of a sage. Oh, well.
And in 1980, when Reagan ran as a militaristic, scary old coot, I thought it was just a put-on he was using to get elected so he could make college tuition free for me and my friends.
But that's all in the past.
Forty years it has taken me to learn what kind of smile is hidden beneath the Senator's snowy comb-over. It is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself.
I love John McCain.
COPYRIGHT 2008 TED RALL
The Triumph of Faith-Based Politics
I believe in John McCain. Which is why I don't believe him.
When John McCain said he wanted to stay in Iraq 100 years, he didn't mean it. He just said it to get elected.
His claims that the war is going great? Voting time after time to send hundreds of billions of dollars to fund the war without asking for a timetable for withdrawal? All part of his masterful plan to fool right-wing hicks into voting for him.
Once he gets the keys to 1600 Penn, the real, antiwar McCain will reveal his true plan: Evacuation from Iraq within 24 hours. An apology to the United Nations. Bush put on trial for war crimes. Mandatory gay marriage.
He's got a similar plan for FISA. True, he voted to allow the president to eavesdrop on Americans' phone calls and e-mails. He gave the phone companies immunity for the years that they spied on us illegally. As soon as he becomes president, however, McCain will line up all those lying, spying phone company CEOs against the White House wall and personally shoot them with his trusty sidearm, the Beretta PX4.
And he will laugh.
John McCain cares deeply about the same exact things I do. When he takes the Oath of Office on January 20, for example, a certain political cartoonist--not Chief Justice Roberts--will administer it. Government subsidies will allow Americans to travel to Tashkent and other capitals in Central Asia for just $50. And the electronica band Ladytron will play the Inaugural Ball!
Wait a minute, I can hear you saying. John McCain hasn't said any of this stuff. Know what? You're right! In fact, he's mostly said the exact opposite. Which is exactly why I know he'll do it.
Politicians, you see, are liars. Except when they mostly do, they never follow through on their campaign promises. The more they say they're for using federal tax dollars to fund faith-based church groups, for example, the more you know they're actually dogmatic, God-hating secular atheists. Which is, by the way, another reason I believe in John McCain. Because John McCain promises a new kind of politics, one where Americans aren't separated red state from blue state, cat owner from dog walker. One where soaring rhetoric isn't just something we read about in books, but watch on TV from time to time.
Some of John's fans (he feels so near and dear to me, I'm entitled to first-name familiarity) wonder if the old maverick they fell in love with is losing his moral center by lurching to the right. But nothing could be further from the truth.
Straight talk? Not until he wins! After that, look out. We'll be out of NAFTA faster than you can say maquiladora. Socialized healthcare? You bet. Tax hikes for the rich, free Netflix for the poor, billions to rebuild New Orleans, free kitten and puppy neutering too!
Do I know this stuff? Or am I just making it up--indulging in a sort of faith-based politics?
Yes, and yes. I know what I make up in my own mind, and what I know is that John McCain is a patriot, a man whose unshakeable iron will remained unbroken even after his North Vietnamese captors tortured him into signing a confession for war crimes. I know that John McCain loves America, and that therefore anything he says or does that indicates otherwise--including, say, signing off on Bush's continued use of torture at Guantánamo--can be nothing more than a necessary attempt to appease the right long enough for him to win the presidency, after which he will no doubt reveal himself to be the liberal, idealistic demigod he has to be because I and others like me have willed him to be so. Regardless of what he says.
Some poutymouths say I'm deluded. That I've once again fooled myself into believing a politician was something other than what he appeared to be, or indeed said he was, all along.
A little while ago, Barack Obama campaigned as a moderate and a moderate and a moderate. Then he came out as a centrist. Such betrayal!
In 2000, there was George W. Bush. People said he was stubborn and merciless, that he made fun of condemned prisoners as he signed their death warrants as governor of Texas. But I thought he did that just to win the votes of the Republican base. Deep down beneath that mean, dumb exterior, I just knew there had to be the soul of a scholar and the wisdom of a sage. Oh, well.
And in 1980, when Reagan ran as a militaristic, scary old coot, I thought it was just a put-on he was using to get elected so he could make college tuition free for me and my friends.
But that's all in the past.
Forty years it has taken me to learn what kind of smile is hidden beneath the Senator's snowy comb-over. It is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself.
I love John McCain.
COPYRIGHT 2008 TED RALL
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Coupla Things, Plus a Question
I've been feeling like crap since Tuesday. It started after I finished my usual run. Because I started out later than usual, it was blazing hot. I felt pretty dehydrated afterward, so I later attributed what ensured to heat exhaustion: fever, chills, aches, pains, restlessness. Only later did I realize the roadside enchilada I ate after my run might have prompted actual food poisoning. I've gotten deadly diarrhea in the past, especially in Asia, but never actual food poisoning as far as I know. In any event, the last five days have unfolded like the greatest hits of Things That Often Make Ted Feel Sick: fever, more fever, cold sweats, sore throat, ear aches, congestion, small cough.
I still have the sore throat and the fever, though the fever isn't as bad and I'm drinking ginger tea to soothe my throat. That got me through a weekend during which I had to draw the fifth installment of my Vote Theft cartoon series (written by Greg Palast, drawn and composed by yours truly). Oh, and it hurts to hold my pen now. That's always good when you're a cartoonist.
Forget the suggestion to learn how to draw with my left hand! Some people might think I use my ass to draw my cartoons, but really, this is as good as I get. With my right hand.
Anyway, first thing: Comics critic Alan David Doane named me no. 2 in his answers to the Comics Reporter's request that its readers "name five cool, patriotic things about comics". (You have to scroll down a bit).
It's a nice mention, and a rare one at CR, a site that largely ignores political cartooning. Thanks, Alan (and Tom).
Then there's this suggestion for economic stimulus. If asked, I will serve. But I want 15% of the gross. This could be the biggest Pay Per View spectacular ever!
Finally, my question (sorry for being so longwinded; I'm enjoying my newfound relative sentience): many readers receive my print syndicated cartoons via the Ted Rall Subscription Service by email. The current rate is a mere $25/year. Would you pay for a weekly animated cartoon by me? How much?
I've been feeling like crap since Tuesday. It started after I finished my usual run. Because I started out later than usual, it was blazing hot. I felt pretty dehydrated afterward, so I later attributed what ensured to heat exhaustion: fever, chills, aches, pains, restlessness. Only later did I realize the roadside enchilada I ate after my run might have prompted actual food poisoning. I've gotten deadly diarrhea in the past, especially in Asia, but never actual food poisoning as far as I know. In any event, the last five days have unfolded like the greatest hits of Things That Often Make Ted Feel Sick: fever, more fever, cold sweats, sore throat, ear aches, congestion, small cough.
I still have the sore throat and the fever, though the fever isn't as bad and I'm drinking ginger tea to soothe my throat. That got me through a weekend during which I had to draw the fifth installment of my Vote Theft cartoon series (written by Greg Palast, drawn and composed by yours truly). Oh, and it hurts to hold my pen now. That's always good when you're a cartoonist.
Forget the suggestion to learn how to draw with my left hand! Some people might think I use my ass to draw my cartoons, but really, this is as good as I get. With my right hand.
Anyway, first thing: Comics critic Alan David Doane named me no. 2 in his answers to the Comics Reporter's request that its readers "name five cool, patriotic things about comics". (You have to scroll down a bit).
It's a nice mention, and a rare one at CR, a site that largely ignores political cartooning. Thanks, Alan (and Tom).
Then there's this suggestion for economic stimulus. If asked, I will serve. But I want 15% of the gross. This could be the biggest Pay Per View spectacular ever!
Finally, my question (sorry for being so longwinded; I'm enjoying my newfound relative sentience): many readers receive my print syndicated cartoons via the Ted Rall Subscription Service by email. The current rate is a mere $25/year. Would you pay for a weekly animated cartoon by me? How much?
Friday, July 4, 2008
Jesse Helms, Rest in Pieces
Wow, an entire AP obituary and not one word about his racist or gay-bashing legacy. The human turd's sycophants even went as far as to compare him to John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, both of whom also died on the Fourth of July. They even called him a patriot!
Helms was no patriot. He hated everyone who wasn't like him--white, male, straight, privileged. Since that only includes a tiny percent of the American population--he hated most Americans. Therefore, he hated America.
Wow, an entire AP obituary and not one word about his racist or gay-bashing legacy. The human turd's sycophants even went as far as to compare him to John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, both of whom also died on the Fourth of July. They even called him a patriot!
Helms was no patriot. He hated everyone who wasn't like him--white, male, straight, privileged. Since that only includes a tiny percent of the American population--he hated most Americans. Therefore, he hated America.
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